Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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