You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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