I cut my penus on the lid.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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