I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
