If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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