Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
