I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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