Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
