fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
