i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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