you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
