U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize