it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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