I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
