You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
