I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Someone signed my nipple.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
