Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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