one word: firstdatebathroomanal
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
