i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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