I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
porn star boner night. come get it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
