I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
