If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
