I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
