well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
