jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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