You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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