Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
