Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You are the jesus of drinking
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
