Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
