I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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