do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
