I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
