The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
