Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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