No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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