As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
