I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize