some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
