Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
