i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
