lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
