shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
