after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
