The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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