If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
