I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
