saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
