Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
