Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
