Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
