PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
