First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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