I puked a lego.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish you could order shots online.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
