I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
