i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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