Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
