every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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