oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So many bounce houses so little time
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
