Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
