Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
