I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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