Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
