Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
