Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize