I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
